Reflection of 2019. My year recapped.

OK, I had a rough year, I’m not going to lie. The road was rough and bumpy, but smoothed out and got a whole lot better. Life always has its ups and downs anyway.

My husband and I are going through debt consolidation, due to poor choices when we were younger, so I worked a ton of over time. I wore myself out. It has really paid off literally because we are also out of debt, and on our way to financial freedom!

It was challenging balancing being a Mom, and working a strenuous, physically, and emotionally demanding job. But were almost to the end of this road.

I’m so exhausted, and I missed my kids but I was able to cut one of my days, and only work four days a week.

In the summer I was going to go on vacation with my parents, but I had a panic attack and I didn’t go.

While they were on vacation my Uncle, that I was close to, had a massive heart attack at the age of 63, and was placed on life support until my Aunt could drive out of state to take him off life support. He died instantly. I was crushed and went into a depression.

My adopted cousin, whom I never met came out for a visit. This cheered me up. I went to the doctor and I increased my antidepressant. This has really helped me. My life is improving.

We all die, and reach the end of the road. It is something that is true about life. We cannot hang onto loved ones, we need to let them go. We don’t live forever.

6 months beforehand, my Aunt, my Mom’s wife, was killed by crossing the highway and was hit by a truck, and died instantly, no suffering.

One week before my dear Uncle passed, my other cousins Dad died of a stroke. I grew up with my Aunt and Uncle that passed. They weren’t blood but still.

My blood Uncle, my Dad’s brother, crushed my heart. But it was his time, and there is nothing I can do to go back and change this. I let him go, at the end of the road of his life, and he is in a better place.

Then my Executive Director, who was an outstanding women, passed away young at the age of 36. She was only 9 months younger than me. She has a massive heart and her heart stopped in her sleep.

I was also crushed about this, but tomorrow is never promised.

Now I am on the upside of life, because I am only working 4 days a week. I have quality time with my family, and time for my hobbies. I almost have $32,000 of debt paid off. We will be able to move to a better neighborhood after this.

Life is looking upward, but you never know what tomorrow brings, I will be able to deal with what life throws at me.

 

A poem of grief and acceptance.

 

67528263_10157522081622311_1233687462664994816_nWhen you went to heaven my heart was scattered to pieces.

I am proud to be called one of your nieces.

With memories of you running through my mind.

I can’t believe it was your time.

To go to a better place.

Oh, how I long to see your face.

But you are resting in eternal grace. 

I had so much more to tell you.

You were one awesome fellow.

With regrets of things unsaid.

I hang my head and feel like I’ve been shallow.

My heart feels heavy and hurt.

When God decided to take you from this earth.

The end came to soon, 

but I am no longer filled with gloom. 

I know I will see you again. 

Not in this life, 

but in the next. 

When the sun rises, and sets each day. 

I am grateful for each day. 

You influenced me in great ways. 

Oh I think of all the days. 

That we were together. 

None of our memories will ever sever. 

With insurmountable love and peace. 

I let you go in peace, 

you are in a better place, 

and I know I will see your face, 

in a different place. 

Rest in peace Uncle Eddie Spaghetti. 

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To my Uncle on the other side.

When I heard you were slipping away from consciousness. 

When I realized that you were no longer with me on this earth. 

When the reality of you not being here sunk in. 

My heart sunk. It was piercing like a knife.

I never experienced such pain and emotion. 

Everything was going in slow motion. 

You were bright, intelligent, and charismatic. 

I couldn’t believe this was happening. 

Oh your presence was just like magic.

You were full of life, everything was an adventure for you. 

I could not believe that it was true. 

That you slipped away into a different land. 

In a land where you will hold my hand again one day.

You are in a better place. 

But oh how I wish I could see your face!

I didn’t expect you to go so soon.

I still thought you had a little time left on this earth with me. 

But when I want to think of my regrets, I think of how you face must be filled with glee. 

In the presence of Jesus. 

He is the one who truly sets us free.

That day was filled with such sorrow. 

But I know there will always be tomorrow. 

You are not gone.

You are always with me. 

I know you are there.

The spirit life is mysterious. 

You appear to me in so many ways, and I can feel your presence. 

We have never parted in this life, and we will be together in the next life. 

Glad that there is always tomorrow. 

No more pain and sorrow. 

Thank you God for tomorrow. 

Rest in peace Uncle Eddie Spaghetti! <3 How you could never be forgotten. With such character, your legacy will be passed on for generations to come. 

You were always there since day one.

I wouldn’t be able to recall when I first met you because you first saw me when I was born.

You wanted to sing the song “Michelle, my Belle”, by The Beatles to me when I was a wee one.

My first memory of you was your enthusiastic reading of Sesame Street to me when I was only four years old. You have such a charismatic personality and you were so descriptive, as you read that preschool story to me, that it was so interesting.

We went out to eat at a a restaurant called Trail Dust. It had a big huge slide, which is so fun for a young child. I have many memories of my Grandpa there. We danced to country music together at only the four. I absolutely had a blast! You had a fun loving and free spirit, which made you a blast to be with.

Then you moved to another country. I really missed you.

I remember talking to you on the phone and what a deep conversation we had about music at the age of 11. You turned me into Jimi Hendrix, so I listened to him, and I was amazed at his music and the way he played guitar. I still listen to him to this day and I will the rest of my life.

I didn’t see your spirited personality again until I was 17, oh how I missed you!

We caught up on each other’s lives and went shopping in New Mexico. You were such an interesting Uncle with your unique personally, so interesting to talk to, and a social person.

Your Dad, my Grandpa passed away and you were there for me at the funeral. We read Psalm 23 together at Grandpa’s funeral as we said goodbye. At night we went to Grandpa’s plot to have a Manhattan with Grandpa and the police came and kicked us out. It was a small town. I was stressed out and you gave me a cigarette.

You were there when I had my first born daughter. I remember how happy you were and how beautiful you thought she was. When she was 3 years old she called you Uncle head instead of Uncle Ed. We both thought it was hilarious. Then you read a book to her. 💓 History repeats itself. I’m sure she realized how awesome you were.

I was a stay at home Mom and I always had someone to talk to! Which was you. I could always talk to you through Myspace and email.

Time went on and we started working on our family tree together on Ancestry.com. We both were interested in where we came from. We both took a DNA test through 23 & me and found out that we had a close relative your nephew my cousin, that we didn’t know about our whole lives. We both were ecstatic!

I got a phone call from my Mom while they were out of town that you were in the hospital. You had a major heart attack at only the age of 63. I was crushed. I called my Dad and he said things were looking up, so I prayed for you with such hope and faith that God would heal you and give you a second chance at life. Turns out my Dad was just in denial. You didn’t have much brain activity and you had 100% blockage in your heart. My Dad was your twin after all. You two were only a year apart and you shared a room growing up. You were taken off life support and your journey on this earth was over as a human and your spirit and legacy lives on.

I was crushed. I was overcome with sadness, loss and depression.

I took my daughter to the pool. All I could do was sit there, and stare into space, I was so hurt. But you were there with me and I knew it. Someone was playing John Lennon and The Beatles. You listened to their music. The odds of that because usually people play Hip Hop all the time. Then when they played the song yesterday by the Beatles, you presence was so strong I knew exactly where you were at. This is the lyrics to this song:

[Verse 1: Paul McCartney]
Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday
Suddenly
I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

[Chorus: Paul McCartney]
Why she had to go
I don’t know, she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday


[Verse 2: Paul McCartney]
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday


[Chorus: Paul McCartney]
Why she had to go
I don’t know, she wouldn’t say
I said something wrong
Now I long for yesterday


[Outro: Paul McCartney]
Yesterday
Love was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

What were you trying to tell me? I definitely felt like hiding away, and was in such shock that I did not believe in yesterday, because you journeyed to another plane of existence the day beforehand. 

So there I was in my sadness. I was having a major depressive episode. But I was soon lifted out of this when, we had an awesome family reunion, and meet my adopted cousin for the first time. That really lifted my spirits. He was a God send. So we had a memorial and family reunion where a lot of healing took place. 

God works in mysterious ways. I choose to read scripture at your memorial. Your brother picked Psalms 23 for me to read. The same scripture that we read word for word, when your Dad departed from this earth. 

I found your Bible that you gave me next to an Eagle print that your Mom gave me. Someone you and God told me that you were in a good place. eg

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When you were getting ready to depart in your journey from this life, my Dad saw Eagles soaring above him. Eagles symbolize communicators  to the spirit world, since they sore the highest. 

I know that my Uncle wants me to move on in my grief, and cheer up. To focus on raising my children and doing my best. I’ve gotta be strong. 

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

This experience has taught me that there is an afterlife, and a spirit life. 

It has brought me closer to God. 

Rest in peace Uncle Eddie Spaghetti. 

I love you so, and could never ever forget you. 

Love never ends, life never ends. 

Cheers to you in the afterlife 

 

 I wish you were here, but we all have to leave one day. Until we meet again. 

Edward Alan Miller Sunrise February 20th, 1956 Sunset: July 17, 2019 

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